A close friend of mine passed away recently. She was too young to be gone at 48 and quite full of life. As I was mourning my dear friend this week, I came across an article penned by Julia Baird, “Positively Downbeat: Sometimes happiness isn’t everything”. Ms. Baird based her article on the premise that even with the surge in self help-to-happiness books (4000) last year, compared to 50 in 2000, we aren’t any happier collectively. We also aren’t any richer in spite of chanting Oprah-like our mantras of being beautiful, successful, happy, etc. Why is this?
If your ticket is up in the great lottery of life today, are you really happy? Successful? Rich? Does it hurt us to be positive thinkers? Should we resort to negativity after all? What’s the solution?
Here’s what I think: In order to be anything in this world, we have to be realists. My friend was a realist, facing cancer and before this raising her family as a single parent. I’ve personally always hated what I termed years ago, the Emperor’s New Clothes mentality of thinking positive, regardless of the circumstances. For those of you who did not grow up on the fairy tale, it’s based on the story of two swindlers who convince the Emperor and all around him that he’s really wearing the finest garment. In reality, there was no clothing. They’d stolen the Emperor’s money and split. A small child saw the truth and proclaimed it loudly.
I feel this “power of positive thinking” garbage is much like that. No matter how you say it, “I’m wealthy. I’m successful. “I’m happy.” If you’re two steps from being homeless and you can’t feed your family, those positive thinking statements aren’t going to serve up a roof or a plate of food. Sorry. I don’t buy that.
I’ve shut down a few dinner parties when people asked me how life was. I was honest, but dedicated about my situation. “I’ve had cancer. I’ve struggled. I’m not sure how I’m making ends meet with five kids.” “But I’m working hard to face these issues.”…. This was met with dead silence, while people tried to make some sort of positive statement to lighten up these comments. It was uncomfortable for them to think that a person could be open with the harsh realities of life, while at a dinner party. Hmm.
What was I supposed to do? Lie? Pretend all was well when it truly sucked? Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t sniveling in my plate between the main course and dessert. Nor was I looking for sympathy. Sympathetic thoughts don’t solve my problems. Deceiving others didn’t serve any purpose but make everyone else feel more comfortable. The best solution for me was honesty.
Personally, the best people, (like my friend) I’ve known were honest about their spot in life. They also had, having first been honest with themselves, often made plans on how to change these circumstances. Sometimes these plans were uncomfortable or unpleasant to hear. It hurt me to think another friend had to drop out of school, because she needed to work to feed her kids. But she did. I was proud of her choices to be fiscally sound. She’ll go back in two years and I’ll celebrate with her all the more knowing that she was honest, crying the day she determined the bills had to be taken care of first and putting her dream of education on the temporary back burner.
Another acquaintance of mine, who I’d always admired for their successes, revealed to me recently that everything they had was in hock. A process that had been snowballing as they pretended, in the style of the Emperor’s populace, that nothing was wrong at dinner parties and to themselves.
I think the solution is two-fold. We’ve got to face the truth about our spot in life. It may not be pretty and it might shut down a few parties. So what? Does pretending help when you sit down with your credit card bills? If you figure out how to pay your bills with positive thinking, please let me know, I’d like some positive thinking money sent my way. After you face the ugly truth, you’ve got to make some possibly uncomfortable choices. Sell the house that’s sucking you dry? Get another job? Live with your family for a while to save money? Possibly file bankruptcy? Yeah, those are unpleasant. You’ll be a lot of fun at parties telling people these things. Trust me.
But it’s time, collectively, to stop this garbage of pretending, hitch up our big girl panties and face the truth. It’s ok, by the way, to cry about your plight. But take some action, once you’ve got those feelings out. Neither negativity, nor positive thoughts solve life, folks. It’s action.
I agree with Ms. Baird’s quote of Eleanor Roosevelt, “Happiness is not a goal. It’s a by-product.” However, I’d add to it, there’s a lot of happiness to be found in realistically facing life, being honest, and knowing you aren’t alone. If enough people are open with their situations, like the small child in the Emperor tale, you’ll find comrades who really know you on a gut level. And you’ll celebrate saving money together, paying a bill, downscaling as a difficult, but necessary choice, etc. It won’t make for uncomfortable talk with the realists. It’ll make for brainstorming, tips, and support.
The most encouraging people I’ve known were often, dying cancer patients. Why? Because these folks didn’t have time for pretend. They shot from the hip, were interested in others, and faced their realities. I’d like to think I can learn from these people in how to live all facets of my life, from financially to relationships. It takes realism, with no time for pretending, coupled with a plan of action, to move forward, not positive mantras.