It’s the start of a new year. For many it’s the beginning of life changing resolutions. On the top of the New Year’s goal list- losing weight, increasing income, eliminating debt and quitting smoking. However, according to statistics, there’s likelihood another 2010 life changing event is being planned by many Americans- divorce. Often strained relationships split in the months following the holidays. It’s as if a new year is symbolic of a new start when it comes to affairs of the heart. Out with the old and in with the new.
Studies show that more women than men are likely to file. I’d wonder why this is, except that I’ve been the one to opt out once. Things were shaky even after prolonged years of counseling, long before splitting occurred. When we tossed in the mix two failed businesses, the aftermath of my cancer and the sudden loss of two dearly loved immediate family members- all in 18 months, our already tremulous marriage folded.
I was the one to pronounce the marriage code blue, having administered CPR via counseling, prayers, friends and many heated and non-heated battles. We parted friends and co-parents of some great kids, a status we’ve kept more than a decade. But my rush to move beyond the lingering pain of our matrimonial demise caused profound fiscal damage that reverberated for years, upon years.
I paid for my hasty pudding decision long after the divorce was final. I am not alone. Women, even those heavily entrenched in careers pre-divorce, are still more likely to earn less than male counterparts in their lifetime and are often the custodial parents of long-term expensive little creatures, (also known as children), too.
But those at greatest disadvantages are those stay-at-home moms who have little or no work history, dependants they will house, and few career skills. In this competitive job market, an untimely divorce can become a quick and painful slide into economic distress.
January 4, 2010 will be 11 years that the children’s father and I separated. I don’t honestly regret the decision we made to split. Neither does my former husband or even our children, now many years later. However, if I could turn back the clock, they would be many areas I’d have planned differently. I wouldn’t surely have been so hasty filing, even though spending 10 of 15 frustrating years in and out of marriage counseling hardly seemed like I’d made a swift decision at the time.
This is indeed a volatile time of year for many struggling couples. No doubt there is a female or two reading this who is contemplating a split from her significant other. Learn a little from my mistakes as you proceed. If you are absolutely sure, for whatever reason, your marriage is a Titanic in sight of an iceberg, don’t jump overboard or climb a life boat before you are prepared.
Here’s what you should have in order and do BEFORE you file for divorce:
Stay quiet. I’ve perused volumes lately which echo this advice. It sounds sneaky. It’s not. If you were leaving your snake-of-a-boss but needed the income, you wouldn’t march into the office and quit-with no other job in sight. You’d put out resumes and prepare quietly. So, it is with leaving a marriage. Rarely after the shock and pain of an impending separation settle, does a divorce not turn into highly self-protective behavior. Shut up and think and plan. See a counselor or someone trained and qualified to keep your confidence if you’ve got to talk about it.
There are four main issues to address first.
- Employment: How you will support yourself, short-term and long term.
- Living accommodations and expenses.
- Acquiring a nest egg.
- Establishing credit
They sound ever so simplistic. I just read several articles on “leaving your husband” and few touched on the first topic. But the truth of the matter, if you’ve been a stay-at-home mom, you’ll get lots of advice on finding jobs once you put your plan in action. Take it from me, everyone’s situation is different. Even the plan that worked for a close friend may not be doable for you.
Employment: If you are a mom of young children, as I was when we divorced, a priority for me was finding work that allowed me to be home with the kids. I had five children, the youngest was only three. It was an emotionally and fiscally sound maneuver for me to try to find work that kept me home with the kids.
Paying childcare is expensive. What happens if kiddos get sick? Even with FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) which allows for caregivers to take time nursing family members, it’s likely it will be unpaid time. This often means a job that pays well and is structured isn’t as good of a deal once you subtract expenses like childcare, fuel and stress levels leaving sick or clingy kids.
Consider as you plan, your family and finances during summer breaks, illnesses and how much time you want to be (and can be) part of their lives. If you are seeking income that allows for plenty of flexibility, options might be daycare, transcribing, freelance computer programming or writing work. All of these can be done easily out of the home. Some insurance sales jobs or paralegal positions can also be done out of a home office. This isn’t an extensive list, surely, but it gives you options.
Maybe your kids are older or you don’t have issues with childcare. BUT whatever you do for a living, try to find something that you enjoy- that fulfills you AND provides for you. I’ve been lucky in two careers with this. It’s what’s kept me from seeking relationships that might have been disastrous. In a perfect world, someday we all find, “Mr. Right”. But in the meantime (or if he never shows up)- having a career you love and that provides decently will keep you satisfied (at least in one area of your life) and less likely to fall prey to depending on any relationship that appears to bring fulfillment and finances.
While you are still married, consider what you’d like to do for a living and start making a real, viable plan to get there. Not just a job that sustains you fiscally, but where you’d want to be in ten, fifteen or twenty years if no Mr. Right ever shows up. What would you love to do with your life? Find it and make a short term plan to support yourself and a long term plan to get there. Be ready to hit the ground running toward this goal when you do get divorced or be well on the path toward it.
Living accommodations: Price rental spots and know the total costs to stay where you are. Talk to an attorney about what’s viable for you. You might be required to give your spouse half of the home’s equity value if you keep the property. Can you afford a second mortgage or do you have the means to get a loan such as this? When I got divorced, I had terrible credit due to our business failure. I couldn’t obtain a loan to refinance in my name because of this and due to not having any work history. These issues are touchy in today’s market. Find out the answers before you decide to leave. Depending on keeping a home isn’t as reliable as you might think. Be informed. Have at least one backup plan in case financing falls through.
Acquire a Nest Egg: While you are still married try to save money. You might end up in a bitter custody battle or a fiscal mess. Attorney fees can be excessive. One of my friends dropped 10K in fees just to keep her home and the dogs. My ex-husband and I shared an attorney which was cheap, but we lost all our property to the bankruptcy, IRS and creditors. I needed a deposit for everything- utilities, rent, cell phone, etc. I dropped almost four thousand dollars buying my own car, paying auto insurance, moving and paying deposits everywhere.
Make two plans- one if you are planning on staying where you are and one if you have to move. Have at least enough money saved for each, if possible. In ideal situations, you should have at least enough for three months of living expenses for either route. Don’t depend on spousal support, child support or payments from your ex. All of these can vanish or be long delayed. One of my friend’s husbands changed jobs after their divorce, cutting his income by half, along with decreasing his support dramatically.
Establish Credit: I can’t say enough about this. Get a credit card if possible, only in your name. Make sure you have a checking account and shop fees for the lowest rates at banks. Do it quietly and rat hole away cash. If you need to, get a PO Box and have mail sent there. Make yourself a separate entity while still married. Again that sounds like subterfuge, but it’s more self protective than sneaky. Don’t succumb to store credit cards. Likewise, clean up any credit issues that might be a negative strike against you. Pay off your card on time each month.